I promise you that I meant it all. I know we agreed a long time ago that promises meant nothing and only just hurt us in the end, and this one is no different. It means nothing, it changes nothing, and it hurts knowing this. I imagine it always will.
Had our circumstances been different,
had we loved each other in the right time zones,
I would have loved you in every lifetime after this one. I think I still might. I think maybe this one just wasn’t it.
I had hoped, though, God, had I hoped it was this one.
Every time I have faced heartbreak, they have always told me that I will find better.
I will not find better. I will only find closer. I will only find different. Even if I find myself, I will still be lacking you.
You are God. Remember this.
Remember this when it aches. You are God and
I’ve never loved another more than I have loved your lack of divinity and your presence of vulnerability.
I am frightened I made a mistake, but more so frightened that I will never be able to hold your hand. I love you and I am looking back. This is important. I have never looked back before. I love you and I am looking back. Please know that I was just not able to be brave. Please know that if you were standing right here, in front of me, I would want to discover infinity all over again.
Please know it is selfish of me to miss you this way, when I am the one who sent you away.
I think love still needs some repairs and you and I just got lost in the cracks. I would not have chosen anyone else but you. I miss you and that is such a heavy phrase to say into a place that you cannot respond.